These Women

A Blog Sitcom

An Episode Involving Felony Gochance in Earlier Years

YURI NULL: unfortunately, ori-oh’s friend felony gochance saw her sneak in and she knocks and tells ori to come out. both ori and i are telling her to shut up but she keeps knocking. felony knows ori is drunk and doesn’t want her to make a fool out of herself. she thinks that ori is imposing on me, i can tell, but i don’t know how to tell her to shut up and let ori humiliate herself. ori leaves at felony’s insistence. i pee. later, we begin to hook up again in the bedroom. i get a nice swipe of her vagina. i suck on her tit. felony knocks again on the door of the dark room. there is no getting around her. she successfully breaks it up and tells me that ori is too drunk. i, myself, am too drunk so i don’t really care. i’m getting awfully perturbed with felony gochance. 

shortly thereafter, felony’s assessment that “ori is too drunk,” is proven, outright. ori vomits a hellacious mixture of korean dinner onto tara landrover’s (fellow hellion’s) shag carpeting (actually, her parents’ carpet). the vomit is so pungent that the entire house must be evacuated. other people begin to dry-heave. there are even a few who begin to vomit, themselves, outside (the people who are inside trying to clean up and usher ori to safety). a friend of mine, clara bloomingdale (not jewish clara) argues with me, saying that i was trying to take advantage of her while she was drunk. i get so mad at clara that i go on a rampage and start destroying property in the neighborhood. i don’t even know what i was so mad about. i remember kicking down a few fences and breaking a window or two. felony gochance finally calms me down and sits me down on a swing at the elementary school, our old elementary school that was right around the corner. the party is pretty much over. 

HOKEY POCUS: Goddamn. 


Girl Felony Gochance


HOKEY POCUS: Well, tell you one thing. This girl at the bar tonight, she has big plans — moving wherever her boyfriend decides he’s going to move to.


YURI NULL: Jesus christ. Don’t it just break your heart.


HOKEY POCUS: And she’s beautiful. But — well, shit. A-lass. She’s a beautiful Jersey girl, and I mean beautiful, hourglass, perfect, Italian. She could have been Emma Bovary’s handmaiden. But this boyfriend, who you know’s a punk, he’s got big plans.


YURI NULL: Plans for what?


HOKEY POCUS: Probably an army-navy store or something. 


YURI NULL: Barber school. Sing a cappella.


This one girl Felony Gochance. Well she stood me up, see. Let’s not forget, when i ran into her on the plane two years ago, randomly, on our way back to Philly… her for Chanukah, me for Xmas. i hear this voice calling my name…”yuri. yuri”. i paid it no mind because there were probably many other yuri’s on that plane. but i find out she means me… “yuri null”… i turn. she’s all smiles… wide-eyed.. i widened my eyes to feign recognition: “YES!” i had no clue who she was. 


“Felony! Felony!? Felony Gochance?” 


i remembered her of course, and she’d slimmed down. she’d always been busty, a little top-heavy, but much of it was probably the result of a bit of extra meat.. .well let’s just attribute it to the cold blustery east coast winters she might have had to stock up for… well she looked better. it was HER who wanted to get all chatty, and decided to move seats to be next to me to chat and all this… it was her who was giddy. i had a girlfriend…


time passes. two years, run into her in the market.


we were checking each other out.. she looked good.. she smiled.. i smiled… we continued to pass each other…  then it struck me and her almost simultaneously, that we knew each other again, all smiles… she was so giddy… blah blah blah  she gives me her number, tells me she’s single.. trying to adjust. she literally says “it’s been four months..” “four? no, two. why’d i say four… it feels so long ago i guess.”


HOKEY POCUS: Yeah. Adjust. Adjust to the four months, sweetheart. I’m sure it’s been real weird and lonely. 


YURI NULL: saying she doesn’t know that many people in the area and that she lives, literally 300 yards from me.” so excited to go get dinner. when i try to get her number, she fumbled her phone and it falls on the ground out of nervousness. she gives me her number, tells me her email, i tell her my email. i write to her the next morning because she didn’t write. she writes back quickly and rather cheerily and then i say “maybe tomorrow we can get some dinner or a drink.” she makes up the aforementioned bogus excuse that it would be “totally cool, but she’s not sure if she can swing it.” she fucked up her tenses, even. now, the major problem, is that SHEEEEEEE promoted this whole debacle, and suggested it in the grocery store. me? i was a passer-by. she just needed to know she COULD, i suppose. that she COULD get me on the chase if she wanted.


HOKEY POCUS: She’s a vicious stooge, who gives time to charity, then ruins lives when she can.


YURI NULL: well, tell you what… i even responded to her miserable turn-down politely and without accusation… even comically.


“i understand… it’s probably too exciting for a gal to see a feller like me twice in one week… ” then continued to say a few other stupid nowhere blurbs that didn’t have to deal with US at all. then i bid her adieu


no reply from the “stinker” 


HOKEY POCUS: She’s probably at some Wawa right now, hedging her bets.


YURI NULL: there are no wawas out here.


HOKEY POCUS: Well, some dumpster, then.


YURI NULL: yeah. that’s all from me, yuri null, regarding that tramp.


HOKEY POCUS: Just another ragtag chimp on the road to dreams. I once knew a crackhead in L.A. who used to eat rotten lettuce.


YURI NULL: is that true?


HOKEY POCUS: Yep. Didn’t matter what state that lettuce was in. If it could be chewed, it was.