These Women

A Blog Sitcom

Archive for itsjustcoffee

It’s Just Melancholia

YURI NULL: some stooge from itsjustcoffee.com, i called her at her request today. leave a message. she texts me back thirty minutes after the call:

“mexican at 8:30?” 

 

i wrote out a text response, right… but it was too long… and if it goes over the limit, mine doesn’t send two, it sends a blank… so i halt it… in the interim, as i’m writing and halting… she writes back “woops! that wasn’t for you, that was for my friend.”

 

is this ridiculous?

 

so i write back “ha!”

 

then she writes, “but if you want to get together tomorrow night…” 

 

i write: “awwwww-kward.”

 

HOKEY POCUS: This girl texted me once saying, “Oh, we should totally get together soon.” — I was like, “Okay, right on.” She responded: “Oh, sorry, that was for someone else with your same first name. But we’ll have to hang out at some point.”

 

YURI NULL: sloppy fucks.

 

HOKEY POCUS: I’m like a tattered sack of catnip.

 

YURI NULL: howso?

 

HOKEY POCUS: Well you know how it goes. You get pawed around, pawed around by their jawing-on — the cliché is “men saying the wrong things at the wrong time,” but I’ll tell you what, those moments come as cloudbursts, get announced as Sturm und Drang after the fact. It’s really the other way around — the steady stream of women saying the wrong things, at-the-all-the-time. At least that’s the cumulative effect.

 

YURI NULL: they NEVER say the thing a man wants to hear. in fact, i don’t even know what that thing would be, because i’ve never heard it! so how the fuck would i know.

 

HOKEY POCUS: Yeah, some of us have fragile egos. But that’s because they’ve been smoothed down from the jaw-pawing. I imagine I’d like to hear, once: “I’m going to leave the brute with the money behind — for you.” That’d come across like the sweet croon of Nat King Cole, if you ask me.

 

YURI NULL: hokey, that would be an excellent scene in a movie. so this guy asks his girl.. just one time.. i’d like to hear you say what i want to hear… and she rips into this velveteen song: “i’m gonna leave the brute with the money…” and for once, at last, the guy is basically enthralled as if on heroin, sinking into a plush sofa. alleviated of woe.

 

HOKEY POCUS: That would be a happy ending I could sink my teeth into. “I’m gonna write a letter to those producers — they really hit the mainline on this one!”

 

YURI NULL: “well hot-fucking dawg!”

 

HOKEY POCUS: If I was a little bit more arrogant, and pretended I had a father who sold art, maybe I’d get somewhere. At least picking up some Tuesday slag at The Room.

 

I heard a Room opened up out in LA — is that the truth?

 

YURI NULL: i never heard of it. where is it?

 

HOKEY POCUS: In NYC, there’s The Room, Another Room, and The Otheroom. I was sitting at one of ’em one night about 3:30 in the morning bludgeoning my sorrows, failed to make an impression on some girl again a couple hours prior, when the bartender started jawing on about how the LA wing just opened the night before, and Woody Harrelson started a fight over a broken glass or something, with the bouncer.

 

YURI NULL: and what happened? did woody win?

 

HOKEY POCUS: I don’t remember. It was just a lot of conversational flash.

 

YURI NULL: i started looking at him differently when i found out his father was a hired assassin.

 

HOKEY POCUS: What is it with these itsjustcoffee girls all writing, in their little blurb space on the front of their profiles, “Witty Remark” or “insert something witty here.” It’s like, No, you insert it. As it stands, nothing is more offputting than off-the-bat irony. Which is ironic, because it’s showcasing witlessness.

 

YURI NULL: i know. who did that?

 

HOKEY POCUS: MyFakeNameIsDjali, and this other girl named Goozamer.

 

YURI NULL: so wry. i expunged a coffee gal from my myspace friends two days ago. flaire. she was kind of cute, too.

 

HOKEY POCUS: How’d she bring on the banishment?

 

YURI NULL: but again, SHE wrote to ME. and then her successive missives became slighter and slighter, until she waited three days, and i said fuck this. plus, i found a girl i kind of get along with. she’s an artist, and an art teacher at a high school, half filipina. i almost went down to santa lisa with her today to go to see that artist friend of hers, but bailed.

 

but then she wrote something about getting debauched tonight. and i said: “uh oh. wear a condom.” then she wrote “what! inappropriate… although” and i wrote “although…” and she wrote “if you deliver..”

 

HOKEY POCUS: I think I’m going to change my “interests” on itsjustcoffee to “flying saucers” exclusively.

 

YURI NULL: flying saucers and sedentary lifestyles

 

HOKEY POCUS: “Smoking: Yes, but only orally.”

 

I should set up a profile called “FakeOscarWilde” with that line.

 

YURI NULL: interests: trojans, lifestyles, french ticklers, handcuffs, lubes, gadgets. occupation: “sex-gadgeteer.”

 

HOKEY POCUS: That’ll be for “FakeLarryFromThreesCompany.”

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