These Women

A Blog Sitcom

Archive for Pre-Modern Anesthesia

12 x 12

YURI NULL: i took a shit today that made me almost emit a whelp. it was like my anal hymen had been ripped to shreds.


HOKEY POCUS: Those are the craziest. Like Ram-Man is coming out. I’ve had some shits, where I seriously thought my pelvic bones were going to crack.


YURI NULL: that is fucking hilarious. they should have shit-stress balls in the bathroom so you don’t rip your clothes to shreds in the midst of a ram-man-style excretion. like those bits you can chomp on while having a limb removed.


HOKEY POCUS: Dude, always, I ALWAYS think about how if we lived only ten, twelve decades prior, we’d be getting infected, and having to get limbs removed and bite on sticks. Do you know how lucky we are that we’re existing at this point in the course of human evolution — we could have been (and maybe were) born 3000 years ago, 15,000 years ago, maybe 520,000 years ago. But, well, here we are, right now.


YURI NULL: imagine that shit, bro. we are such sissies in this life. imagine before modern-day internationalism and international courts. imagine the tortures that existed for men in the 1300s were they to be caught, in persia, having anal sex with a man, or some caliph’s wife. it’s conceivable that there were men who suffered amazing tortures for a span of years. like, with 12 pound weights dangling from their scrotums. yeeeears.


if i were to re-define my college major… say i went to reed college or some ultra-liberal college… i’d request that i could be a medieval tortures major.


HOKEY POCUS: 12 pound weights, for 12 years.


YURI NULL: “nooooo, please, i beg you… please… i swear… i fucking swear… please… noooooooo…. pleeeeeease…. not the 12 by 12!!!!…”