These Women

A Blog Sitcom

Archive for zilch ukulele’s boyfriend

The Rankest Stunt

YURI NULL: i did NOT know the difference between serif and sans serif. i didn’t know what it meant.


HOKEY POCUS: You do now, though.


YURI NULL: hell yeah.


HOKEY POCUS: “Fuckin’ learned THAT one the hard way…”


YURI NULL: there’s no success like failure.


HOKEY POCUS: Funny you mention that. Because when you said that that new girl was an artist, it struck me to ask you if she has everything she needs, and if she ever looks back. And then I got sidetracked.


YURI NULL: well, her caption is “whatever gets you through the night.” and she wrote me a question, and i said “it’s alright, it’s alright…” we actually get along pretty fucking well…like, i enjoy talking to her and she’s funny.


and i called her chiaroscuro, right off the bat, because her name was “sunrayshadow”.


HOKEY POCUS: Check out this opening triple-gambit from itsjustcoffee member “SQ3R” —


I Am Here For: Marriage.


Last Great Book I Read: “the silmarillion J.R.R. Tolkien”


Quote: “always gaze fiefdom forward.”


YURI NULL: now, what you can do, is edit a pre-fab email in photoshop and change it so it looks like matt’s font. and have it, say, as an ice-breaker.


HOKEY POCUS: This girl is probably being ironic. She’s too pretty to be serious about marriage and Tolkien.


YURI NULL: show me the goods.


HOKEY POCUS: The profile is totally ironic.


She just got written to. One more failure for the old record books.


YURI NULL: if your tit could stretch 3000 miles, i’d suck on it tonight!


oh, you just sent me a picture of mira mage and zilch ukulele and some dude…


holy shit… that face! let me tell you about that man’s mien on the right.


i walked into the bathroom at some bar… we all went to the high times bar. and i walk in, and there’s no fucking stall-door. and zilch ukulele’s slob boyfriend is sitting there taking a shit, that’s what it was, it all came running back to me when i saw his face in that pic.


HOKEY POCUS: You could practically smell the memory.


YURI NULL: it was making squishy noises. who the fuck takes shits like that at a bar? 


HOKEY POCUS: Zilch Ukulele’s boyfriend, and G. G. Allin.


YURI NULL: and then he came out and we saw each other and it was very awkward. hangdog and busted.


HOKEY POCUS: “Any seahorses come out?” People like that can shit anywhere. They think every toilet is a unicorn. No matter how shit-smeared, they approach it like an elegant saddle.


YURI NULL: ahhhhhh, there’s the john! at last, my good friend!


HOKEY POCUS: “Who said chivalry was dead?”


YURI NULL: “hey, guys… watch this wouldjya!”


man, his face sure did trigger that memory.


i don’t think i’d thought of him since the day i met him about three and a half years ago. to be known in somebody’s mind as the guy with his pants around his ankles in the crusty bar bathroom. i once took a shit in some girl’s house at some party in high school because i was fucked up and i HAD to… so i guess i can relate. but it was in her house. but that shit stunk bad. then they called me shitty for about a month.


HOKEY POCUS: Her father probably referred to you as “the stuntman.” “Where’d that stuntman go?”


Evel Knievel’s death might have triggered your image in her pop’s mind’s eye.


“Honey… do you remember that one stunt, back in ’95?” “Whereabouts?” “In our bathroom.” “Oh — that stuntman who was here.” “I believe his name was Yuri Null.”


YURI NULL: where in the hell did you find these stuntman friends, rachael?…


HOKEY POCUS: “Awwww dad.”


YURI NULL: i wish to god i was a stuntman. i’d pull stunts out of my ass every hour.


HOKEY POCUS: Dude, you could be a stuntman.


YURI NULL: i know. career-change at age 30, stuntman legend heard the calling.


HOKEY POCUS: You’d be a good stuntman, too. A fearless devil. “I got no FEAR, I tell ya!” “Yeah, but the question, son, is: Do you got TALENT?” “I got TALENT! AND I got SKILL! SKILL too — and plenny OF it!!!”